Why Be Good?

Why Be Good, She Asked

The Rev. Wendy von Zirpolo

a sermon preached at the 

Unitarian Universalist Church of Marblehead

The sermon this morning was birthed on a cold day in November in the midst of a common UU misadventure ~ that of heading for the Arlington Street church in Boston instead of the UU Church in Arlington, Massachusetts. I was attempting to get to an Annual Mass Bay District Meeting and I was not alone. I was accompanied by my daughter, a college freshman, and her roommate. While I would like to think the girls were along for the spiritual enlightenment or my own stimulating company - I have no illusions - it was the promise of a free lunch!

            So, there we were, having discovered our error, now headed off in the proper direction and finding ourselves with some extra time to chat. It started out innocently enough - my daughter’s roommate, raised in the Baptist faith, had a few questions. She started small ----------------------- “So, Mrs. von Zirpolo, I understand that you can believe anything you want in Unitarian Universalism - how does that work?” We spoke of creeds vs. principles, purposes and sources. We spoke of freedom and reason. We spoke of holding up the right of each person in Unitarian Universalism to seek their own truths while honoring others. She then ventured a little deeper, asking “Do you believe in God?”…..I told her that I considered myself a religious humanist, someone who did not believe in a single entity or a being-like presence to whom I could pray and expect intervention in my life or the life of others. I said that instead I believed in a greater power of goodness, inherent in each and every human being - one that oriented us toward betterment for all. She then asked about Heaven - and I said I didn’t believe in a life after death but instead of a heaven here on Earth - beloved community. A place where all are truly and deeply welcome, each of us as our human, perfectly imperfect selves. All honored for our gifts, all equal participants, all willing to stay at the table working out differences in the overriding context of deep love, forgiveness and respect.

“Where does Jesus fit?” she asked next and I told her that for me, Jesus was and is a great teacher and leader, someone who glimpsed true beloved community and said “Wow ---- follow me, I’ll show you the way.” I also told her that while those were my beliefs that I worshipped alongside others who were theists, believing in a prayable to, intervenable, personal God, those who might worship many Gods or Goddesses, those who believed in Jesus as The Christ, the divine son of God and those for whom the language of God and Jesus held little or no value or perhaps pain.

And then, she paused……………..THAT should have been my warning that the big one was coming! Because as we approached the Arlington church, she did pause in thought ………… and then asked…..”But, if you don’t believe in life after death, and you don’t believe in salvation through Jesus Christ …………………….. Why be good?”

Why be good, she asked and words about inherent worth and dignity rolled out of my mouth, followed by those of peace, social justice, witness and world community. Why be good, she asked and my words reflected a deep commitment to the betterment of humankind. Why be good, she asked, and like a parent facing the question “Where do babies come from,” I found myself grateful that our destination has been reached, the question tabled and distractions were in sight.  Why be good she asked and although the words flowed out quite easily and I am not compelled to retract them, the question resided for months, hovering here and here and here……. understanding my answers on a personal level took on a level of importance equaled by the need to be able to offer the answer as a public theology -- one I would be able to articulate as a religious leader in our movement. Why be good, she asked, and here I stand today, inviting you to join me in looking hard at that question and also claiming it as one we should be able to answer.

We’ll start our journey in the Hebrew Scriptures - the Old Testament - where we find a God who makes promises to his chosen people. A people called to honor him and in return be delivered from horrific conditions. Honor and obey me, he says …… and the land of milk and honey awaits …just rewards indeed. As the ancient prophet, Micah, reports, this God requires three things “to do justice, to love kindness and to walk humbly with their God.” Here in the Hebrew tomes, and in the words of the prophets, we find clarity for these people, not only in terms of what rewards are offered but also the price of noncompliance. For theirs is a God not unaccustomed to incurring wrath.

Moving on into the Christian Scriptures, the New Testament, we see the commitment to goodness articulated in following Jesus Christ as entrance into heaven and the price of heavenly rewards. Prominent also is the eschatological view that the judgment day is upon us - the end is coming and each will be judged.

Moving away from the God of the Hebrew and Christian communities ---- although we lose a common understanding of God, we do find the ethic of reciprocity ---- otherwise known as the Golden Rule……….in Baha’i “ascribe not to any soul that which thou wouldst not have ascribed to thee” and in Buddhism’s Udana-Varga the admonition “hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful” and in Islam “None of you truly believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.” And yet, these exist as rules and codes of behavior - not answers to my young friend’s question.

So let’s add another voice into this exploration. In his book “Letter to a Young Lawyer” famed lawyer, Alan Dershowitz lays out the issue of ‘being good’ with the express intent of convincing his young lawyers to choose strong moral character as a constant in a profession in which he tells them it will be challenged daily. In his argument, calling for such personal responsibility to goodness, he wishes to disconnect that obligation from any sense of outside authority. He calls them to an inner authority. Always ready for argument, Dershowitz pits himself against Pascal’s Wager. You know the wager ….over 300 years ago Pascal offered an orientation toward good as a bottom-line safe bet. “Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God is. Let us estimate these two chances. If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation that He is.” Dershowitz disagrees and takes his audience through a legalistic argument tying goodness, based on religious belief to either a rote response to authority and/or a calculated choice. Neither of which speak of the valiant character of the individual wishing to do good for the sake of good.

While Dershowitz calls on this orientation to goodness from an altruistic view of what is best as a human being---------- that is, what would truly be deserving of accolades, another thinker, Dennis Prager from the University of Judaism calls goodness a necessary behavioral goal, articulating the wish that our educational system held goodness and depth as its two pillars rather than brilliance and success. He offers seven reasons to be good:

If everyone acted this way we’d live in a beautiful world

You’ll like yourself more

You’ll be treated better

It makes you feel good

You know how much you want others to be good

Because God said so

A part of you wants to be good

This behavioral approach offers many doors in, allowing for the theist to be good for the sake of religious beliefs but also holding up rational arguments based on outcomes.  An interesting footnote to Prager’s contribution, and an affirmation of Dershowitz’s commentary on the relation of authority to goodness is a 1960 behavioral study held at Yale in which subjects were to apply a shock to a learner under the guise of a scientific experiment exploring punishment as a correction to incorrect behavior. The study received quite a bit of renewed attention when the abuses of Abu Graib came to light. In the study, unbeknownst to the subjects, the person receiving the shock was an actor and no electricity was involved. The subjects were required to increase the voltage in steps up to the end of a 450-volt scale. No subject stopped before reaching 300. 60 percent went the distance and many who stopped along the way to question the disturbing effects upon the subject, continued once absolved of responsibility.

So here we have two somewhat polar views --- belief in a God authority who demands goodness at one end and at the other a consumerist approach of being good so you get good stuff whether it be heavenly rewards or people simply treating you better.  As UUs we tend to seek compromises or a homogenization toward an approach that welcomes all and offends none….but I’m not looking for a compromise. And I found aspects of each of these views compelling in their arguments, what still remained lurking about was that there was something more - something somehow namable that calls me to goodness and perhaps others. I don’t relate to seeing it as simply a behavioral response to having people like me or getting something that I want. But I also so not relate at all to the idea of salvation and heavenly rewards. I do not believe in a punitive God of any shape. I don’t even believe in the more secular -- things happen for a reason or what comes around goes around.  I found each of these contributions to comment more on interpretations of people behaving well then as answers to the question “Why be good.”

To me, this orientation toward goodness is clearly something bigger than human thought, something preexistent in our hardwiring. It gets back to what a congregant once told me when I asked her “Why Be Good?” She answered “Because I would know” and I would be changed……..

That resonated but I needed more…..I landed with Albert Schweitzer and what he called the ‘reverence of life” He thought ethics was nothing more or less than that --- reverence of life. He came upon that thought while on an errand of mercy in Africa. He was on a boat, creeping slowly upstream following channels between sandbanks. His mind deep in thought as he scribbled disconnected sentences on sheet after sheet of paper. On the third day, quite late in the afternoon, as they wended through a herd of hippopotamuses, the phrase ‘reverence for life’ flashed, unbidden upon his mind. He wrote “the iron door had yielded: the path in the thicket had become visible.” Schweitzer also told of the discovery of a more intuitive form of this ethic when he was only seven or eight years old. One spring, a friend invited him to go to a place where they could shoot birds with a ling-shot. Though the idea was repugnant to the young Schweitzer, he went along, fearing that his friend might laugh at him if he didn’t. They found a bird singing in a tree. His companion put a stone in the leather catapult and Schweitzer, determined to be brave and manly, did the same. At that very moment the bells of the church began to ring. Schweitzer felt it was a voice from heaven, reminding him of the wrongness of senseless killing. He shooed the bird away and ran home.

Add to this imagery one of my favorite stories - that of famous UU leader Theodore Parker who tells of being 4 years old, raising a stick to strike a basking tortoise and hearing the words “it is wrong” - he runs to his mother who through tears tell shim that it is the voice that c\some people call God and others call conscience - but regardless of name, she is certain that to listen to the voice will allow it to grow stronger and stronger and it will always be present as a guide\de - and to ignore it is to lose it.

Here, finally I felt at home …could it be that simple? Why be good, she asked -- because it is wrong to behave otherwise --- is it right to be good? Well on a personal level, surely - I hear that inner voice - it speaks to n=me viscerally often. Through tears as I watch the news, through the need to face the homeless man directly in the eye as I roll down the window and offer change - or not - though the knot in my stomach when I hear of fundamentalist bashing of a peer seeking same sex marriage.

But on a public theological level we have work to do. Because the answer is not fully formed and articulated. I am pretty sure wearing t-shirts sporting Theodore parker at age four with a stick, a tortoise and a big NO sign won’t do the trick - but maybe, maybe it’s a start. We as UUS are often seen lacking a common voice or the ability to join together in theological mission…. But this spells opportunity to me.

I urge us to own this question together, to keep it here and here and here. Because to ask this question of ourselves and each other - to keep it active in our discussions, in our covenant groups, active in our parenting, in our loving, in our working, active in our voting, active in all aspects of our lives - puts us in the game - it declares us players in the larger game of serving the cause of the betterment of humanity and it does it in the name of liberal religion. If we do not gather here on Sunday mornings in agreement of this - then why are we here? What better cause do we tend?

Let me add an exclamation point to that message… by returning to the original question…… from the time she asked me, these things have hit the news:

·        A woman was trampled to death in Wal-Mart during an early bird sale of DVD players

·        A two-year old boy was killed in a case of road rage in Australia…crushed in his own driveway over an argument over a taillight

·        A professor in Claremont, CA spoke out in a forum about the need for tolerance and racial harmony and later found her tires slashed, windows broken and car looted.

·        Under the guise of girl power, a US clothing producer sold T-shirts that said “Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them”

·        A Muslim man was beaten to death in the UK by youth shouting anti-Islamic abuse at him.

·        And just last month, our own youth of color, while eating lunch outside of a conference on leadership development in Dallas, Texas had a car drive by, the occupants stick out their hands and pretend to shoot them….each one….

Why be good, she asked?  For ‘goodness sake’ ~ it’s our only hope.

Not the Time to Stop Crying ~

A Prayer offered at a Vigil for Healing & Common Sense Gun Control in Marblehead, MA (December 15, 2012)

O Spirit of Life, Divine Source known by so many names

We gather with broken hearts

Weeping souls

And we need to cry

We arrive from as many different stories as there are stars in your sky

We may be Christian, Jew, Muslim, Atheist, Pagan, Straight, Transgender, Gay, Black, White, Latino , Republican or Democrat  - but all children of creation, sharing this single thing:

                 We Love our children, our children of the world

And we need to cry

         For tonight a mother looks at an un-opened present carefully placed under a tree and no longer has a child to open it.

         Today someone is taking a sweatshirt out of a dryer and wishing they had never washed it because they yearn for the scent of their child.

Tomorrow a child will wake and automatically head into a sibling’s room, and then remember – that sibling is gone.

         And another child will stare out a window mourning the loss of a best friend

         And children all over will be hugged and hugged and hugged again by parents, grandparents, teachers, cousins, caregivers, the whole world so grateful that they are alive.

And we will cry and cry some more.

We do not come together in vigil tonight to help one another ‘get over’ this horrific tragedy. 

We do not come together to help one another ‘stop’ crying.

It is time to let the tears flow on and on

Time to let our tears flow down our faces and through our streets

Flow through our streets and out of our towns

Flow out of our towns and into the inner cities

Flow until they mingle with those of the many who each day fear for their children’s lives

Flow until they mingle with those of the many who still mourn children lost in other shootings

Flow to the 19 different places in our country where mass shootings have taken place in just these last five years.

         Minneapolis, Minnesota (September 2012, 7 dead, 2 injured)

         Oak Creek, Wisconsin (August 2012, 7 dead, 4 injured)

         Seattle, Washington (May 2012, 6 dead)

         Aurora, Colorado (July 2012, 12 dead, 59 injured)

         Norcross, Georgia (February, 2012, 5 dead)

         Seal Beach, California (October 2011, 8 dead, 1 injured)

         Tuscon, Arizona (January 2011, 6 dead, 14 injured)

         Manchester, Connecticutt (August 2010, 9 dead, 2 injured)

         Parkland, Washington (November 2009, 5 dead)

         Fort Hood, Texas (November 2009, 13 dead, 30 injured)

         Binghamton, New York (April 2009, 14 dead, 4 injured)

         Geneva County, Alabama (March 2009, 11 dead, 6 injured)

         Carthage, NC (March 2009, 8 dead, 3 injured)

         Henderson, Kentucky (June 2008, 6 dead, 1 injured)

         Blacksburg, Virginia (April 2007, 33 dead, 23 injured)

         Kirkwood, Missouri (February 2008, 7 dead, 1 injured)

         Omaha, Nebraska (December 2007, 9 dead)

         Crandon, Wisconsin (October 2007, 7 dead, 1 injured)

         DeKalb, Illinois (February 2008, 6 dead, 21 injured)

         and Newtown, CT (December 2012, 27 dead, 20 of them young children aged 6 and 7, more injured).  Young children who just last week may have sat on Santa’s lap and whispered what they wanted for Christmas or lit a candle on a menorah.

           It is not time to stop weeping.  Our hearts may be broken, but our heads and our hands are not.  It is time to take our tears, join them with the many who have been weeping for years in our inner city neighborhoods and let our torrents of tears flow right into our state and federal houses where real change can occur.  It is time for our tears to help our minds find ways of helping those who equate common sense gun control with a loss of freedom, to see our dead children and see them as their own.  It is time for our tears to help our hands shape local and national policies that will help restore innocence in the lives of our children.  We will never stop weeping for the lost children but we have the power to help restore safety and build safety where for so many years there has been none. 

           Spirit of Life, Wonder of Creation ~ hold our tears but only for tonight.  But then, as the people of Newtown, CT mourn real-time loss and fractured futures,  be with us as our tears fuel our efforts to change the world for the sake of all of our children.  

                              May it be so.  May it be so.

What Do I Really Want for Christmas ~

“The best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched .... but are felt in the heart.”

                                                            ~ Hellen Keller 

What Do I Really Want for Christmas??

One of the best gifts I ever got was an old, tired bracelet.  It wasn’t gold or silver or bejeweled.  Most wouldn’t have thought it precious at all.  But it was beyond precious to me.  It came from a woman I later learned many young people in Winchester called ‘Ma Winchester.’ She lived not far from Winchester Commons where many young folks hung out.  I wasn’t allowed to ‘hang out’ on the common, but often walked through it or rode my bike past or through it on the way home, to a store or church.  I knew Eleanor would often walk there and sit on a bench.  She may have fed the birds.  At some point I learned that she had quite a following of teenagers.  I imagine she was a good listener and perhaps offered some council.  She was elderly.  She walked with a cane.  She had a wooden leg. And at some point, someone on that common named her ‘Ma Winchester.’ I knew her because she was a dear friend of my grandmother.  I would see her when she came to visit at my grandmother’s house.  I can picture her in the backyard swimming pool, with her wooden leg just sitting on the patio next to where she slipped in.  I did not know anyone else with a wooden body part so she had my attention from day 1.  But it was her personality that kept me engaged.  To me she wasn’t Ma Winchester.  She was Eleanor and I adored talking with her. 

On this one occasion, I was visiting her at her apartment.  I am foggy about the timing but I think it must have been near a birthday or Christmas because for some reason she took her bracelet off of her wrist and gave it to me.  It was precious beyond measure.  I can still remember what it felt like on my wrist.  It fit loosely and for many years to follow, I would touch it and think about her kind heart and twinkling, yet learned – in life’s lessons – sort of way, eyes.  Eleanor is long gone and so too the bracelet.  I remember parting with it at some point, perhaps offering it to some church fair, because it had long since served its purpose.  You see I wear Eleanor inside now, as she forever altered my heart. 

Isn’t it interesting what gifts we never forget?  At times they aren’t things we were ever cognizant of ‘wanting.’ And truly, sometimes they were things we never did want!  I remember this ‘interesting’ purse my grandmother gave me.  It was from some very nice story I believe and I’m sure it was a treasure to someone.  I recall my mother and I sort of smiling at each other with that look of  ‘Well, she meant well – I bet she thought it was hip!’ I also recall the bike that I heard some years later took all expletive, expletive, expletive night to put together.  I remember the tenor recorder and how it felt the first time I touched it and how rich it sounded.  I remember the downhill skis with my name engraved on them and the cross country skis with the mohair strips on the bottom – matching those of my mother and father.

I’m sure I “wanted” most of those things, well everything but that purse!  I still enjoy the recorder.  The bracelet, as I mentioned, is long gone and the bicycle and skis have been replaced over the years.  But what I probably didn’t know I “wanted” was embedded in each of those gifts and it remains.  That ‘thing’ is the love in the relationships and the imagining that reflected that love.  The imagining of something valued, something enjoyed by another person.  It was the expletive-laden night of bicycle assembly.  It was the grandmother of 11 thinking ‘hmmmm – Wendy is artistic – perhaps she’d like this artsy bag.’  It was the parents who having discovered their love of cross country skiing and shared it with us, wanted to equip us so we could join them more often.  It was the parents who heard, saw and felt that my love of the recorder was real not some passing fancy.  The real gift, in each case, wasn’t the thing that was wrapped under the tree or leaning against the wall.  As corny as it sounds – it truly was the thought that counted and the ‘want’ that was fulfilled never appeared on any note to Santa.  It was a want written deep within the heart and soul.  Something that existed beyond the bounds of any holiday.  It was one of the most precious things.  The kind of thing that Helen Keller writes of when she says such things “cannot be seen or touched .... but are felt in the heart.”  This want we all have and often hide or disguise in order to protect ourselves.  It is the want of acceptance, of love, a want to be cherished.  It resides in that same place we keep that wish to love and cherish others.

Now I must confess that I’ve fallen victim and even perpetuated the kind of want that this is not!  I’m sure if you asked my mother, and please don’t!  But I’m sure I must have been less than my best self when it came to what I ‘wanted’ or just ‘had to have’ as a child. I can’t say that I was all into this ‘hey, just cherish me, that’s all I need’ mode.   Really – no presents necessary!  Just give me the love!    And I know I fed the ‘consumer-based want machine’ when my children discovered Abercrombie & Fitch.  There’s a store I could stand to never go in again!  And I know that in my early twenties, before I even had those children,  I got caught up in the commercialism that is always poised, ready to seduce us into buying more and wanting more and having more and wanting still more!  I stand before you guilty of having been swept away by the imagining that more was better and almost came to see gifting as the point of the holidays.  Almost ~

But then I did have those four children ~ and I remember gifts from those times too.  I remember the coupons  “This coupon good for  coffee (and that meant from fresh ground beans) “  “This coupon good for half a sandwich.” (that one made me laugh – I think it was half because they were going to eat the other half.”  And my all time favorite --- “this coupon is good for me not talking to you for 20 minutes --------- two different times!!!).  Each of these so deeply thoughtful and from the heart.  Each of these treasured still ~ I ‘wanted’ for nothing for I was bathed in the enjoyment of witnessing giving that comes from imagination, from knowing and from love.

And now, their childhoods far behind, that sort of gifting continues.   Two years ago, a water fountain to listen to at night when I’m alone –from my then 20 year old son who knows his mother is soothed by the sound of water flowing down over stones.   And this year, this large mug with a turtle on it from a daughter who knows my love of swimming with turtles and what a fan I am of a serious-size mug of coffee.  Two things I could not have know I ‘wanted’ but both reflections of something I will always want – connections rooted in knowing, imagination and love ~

Also feeding that want, five different types of blueberry bushes from my love because they each produce berries at a different time in the summer and she knows how much I love to pick fresh blueberries for my morning cereal. 

None of this is to say I haven’t appreciated or ‘wanted’ many other presents along the way.  I have been gifted so thoroughly and thoughtfully by so many. There is nothing wrong with wanting & gifting on that yankee-swap sort of level --- making sure you wrap up something and you try to be sure it’s something that will be appreciated and that nobody will feel like they got the bum prize.  But beyond that there is GIFTING --- finding the perfect something that you know will be appreciated and loved or at least very much needed.  But, beyond that -- there is gifting – when it doesn’t matter what the present is or even if it’s wrapped, it’s that moment between the two of you – like my moment with Eleanor – when all that matters is the connection with all that it encompasses.  Past hurts or struggles, achievements, joys, laughter and/or tears. Lifetimes.  It’s the connection with all that ever was, all that is and all that lies ahead between two people, perfectly imperfect souls that we are.  It’s authenticity.  It’s knowing and being known.  And isn’t that all we could ever truly “want?” 

Our deepest wants as a human being.  To be seen.  To be truly seen and known.  To be truly seen & fully known.  To be truly seen, fully known and really loved.   Our deepest wants cannot be fulfilled alone.  We only realize them in relationship with others and only when we gift one another with authenticity, trust one another with ourselves and commit over and over again to care.  It is in that sacred space we can be open with our hearts, in giving and receiving.  And we cannot simply wait for it to happen.  What do I want most for Christmas?   I want to live there.  Each day ~ In that place where the best and the most beautiful things in the world are felt.  In that place where we necessarily risk ourselves for the sake of ourselves and each other.  In that place where we share truthfully with one another in the moment and always in kindness.  In that place where a bad joke at the holiday table is called for what it is. That place where hurts can be named directly and completely. That place where feelings of pain aren’t hushed, feelings of achievement are celebrated, feelings of anger are acknowledged but restrained and where the most marginalized are protected.  Where fear can be companioned, tears shed and laughing with joy embraced.  In the only place where peace among all people can be realized because it is practiced in real time with real difference.

What do I want for Christmas?  That! Peace among all people.   And Christmas reminds me it is possible. If we each begin right here and now and carry it on from this place.

And so friends, Bring on the holidays with all of the bells and whistles and lights and candy canes.  But take hold first.  Take hold of what your heart and soul want most.  To be seen, valued and cherished ~and to cherish others.  Cling to the love and care you want and hold it as dearly to your bosom as Mary held Jesus and use that feeling to fuel all human connections.   Let Christmas Come but do not let our social construct of the holiday take from you that which makes you best, makes you true and makes you kind.  Let Christmas Come and affirm that which our hearts knows – now is the time to cherish one and cherish all, to give of ourselves and to join in making a better tomorrow – heck, even a better today!  Let Christmas Come indeed and may we each live its glory, by living our own, together ~

May it be so ~

Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?

(A sermon delivered at the UU Church of Marblehead, MA, Oct. 2012)

It was the best of times and the worst of times. When my son was in grade school he experienced both of these in one place.  The oral surgeon’s office.  I know, it’s hard to imagine the best of times in such a setting but I use it as a relative term!  You see, he was born with some extra teeth.  Where most people have two baby front teeth and two adult teeth waiting to come down, he had a total of six.  The baby teeth and the two extras needed to be removed and then he had to return to get some extra help in easing the adult teeth down. 

You will be glad to know at this point that the details of those procedures are not the point of today’s message!  But accompanying those two different experiences were two different human beings in the role of assistant.  One who was kind and respectful and did everything she could to help this other, younger human being feel at ease, respected and cared for.  The other, well, the other – not so much!  Not only was she less than her best self, it was clear she was clueless about kindness, helping someone feel at ease, respected and cared for.  So on the one hand, there was the woman who looked him in the eye, asked him about his comfort, touched his shoulder gently and told a gentle and colorful story as the anesthesia began to take hold.  And on the other hand – I struggle to find the humanity in any piece of the interaction. 

It all began with a booster seat.  As can be the case with human development, my son’s height came to him late in the game.  This was the focal point of this assistant.  And so, with great fan faire she announced Oh, YOU will definitely need a booster seat.  She went on then to announce, with some drama “OH MY – you are a peanut!  WOW, I bet you hear that a lot.  How short are you exactly?  Are you the shortest kid in your grade?” I won’t go on and on, but tell she did.  I was left in one of those challenging mother spaces struggling with should I or shouldn’t I.  Will he welcome an intervention or not!  He was at that age when you don’t necessarily welcome your mother coming to your rescue.  And so, here was this young boy held captive in the chair with this woman getting him ready for some significant dental surgery and offering commentary that was far from helpful.  It was mean.   

There’s more to this sad tale, including a conversation with the doctor, a letter of apology to me, rather than to my son, and a phone call that was less than satisfying.  But the best assessment came from the sore mouth of this kind boy who as we left remarked “You know, I hope she doesn’t tease other kids.  I’m okay but I bet she does the same thing to other kids too.  And although I would never say it, Mom, not for nothing but she was pretty short compared to you!”  

Don’t you love it when one of the lessons you passed on, comes out of a younger person’s mouth and you realize that not only did they get it, but here they are reminding you!  Now, you know the lesson I’m talking about in this case!  I’m guessing you do.  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.   I wonder who first uttered those words.  I’m picturing a mother but who knows.  But it lives on and on and boy oh boy on that day in particular I sure wished that woman had learned it somewhere along the line.   

We live in a world that doesn’t necessarily reinforce that lesson.  There are pieces of our environment that seem to make unkind behavior easier.  Have you ever zipped off an email and then afterwards thought --- oh, maybe that was harsh?  Or ignored a phone call or text?  We have new ways, it seems, of turning a cold shoulder towards a person or sharing anger or unkindness without ever having to face the person and see their eyes and feel their hurt.  In a way, because of our electronic world, we’re all in that dentist chair, vulnerable to communications that arrive without us being present as they are constructed.   It’s easy to hurl an insult when there is no person in sight.  It’s more difficult if you can see the tears welling in another person’s eyes or their shoulders slumping because you are rejecting them.

Online newspapers and forums allow anonymous comments to be made and cyber-bullying, with nasty comments being tossed from cell phone to cell phone and on facebook  have pushed some young people to leave school or even take their own lives.  This trend knows no boundaries in terms of age.  Just last week, a news anchor in Wisconsin received a horrible email from a man who thought that she was a poor role model, especially for young girls --- because she was  overweight.  He maintains that he wasn’t being rude or bullying, he was only telling the truth when he wrote “Surely you don’t consider yourself a suitable role model?”

What can we do?  Jennifer Livingston, the newscaster, had a remarkable response.  Noting that October was anti-bullying month, she gave a shout out to all children with these words “To all of the children out there who feel lost, who are struggling with your weight, with the color of your skin, your sexual preference, your disability, even the acne on your face, listen to me right now: Do not let your self-worth be defined by bullies, “she said. Her message has gone viral and she’s being invited on national talks shows this week.  

She’s correct in her good advice that “the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many,” but there’s something more we can do.  I’m of the belief that for every one of these quite obviously mean-spirited or at best careless incidents, many of us engage in small incidents of unkindness or careless communications.  Have you even been short with your partner?  Snapped at one of your children?  Or a parent?  I know I have.  Have you ever hit enter on an email and thought ‘hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t have sent that or said that in that manner?” Or have you given someone that special salute on the road?  Have you been sharp with a waitress or a store clerk?  Ignored a friend?  Been unkind in any communication?  Been short, unfriendly or unavailable here with your UUCM family?  Have you gossiped?

I think it’s important to promote the message Jennifer offered – that our words of support are stronger than any criticisms from bullies but what if we turned back to that age-old wisdom of our collective mothers?  We could, if we chose, take a pledge today to wear that early lesson – if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all? To wear it like a second skin.  Or better yet, this updated version which requires a little more thought.  Is it true?  Is it kind and Is it necessary?

Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

This litmus test of sorts can be traced back to Socrates (perhaps his mother was among those early moms who said, ‘Now son, if you can’t say something nice ......”)  There are stories based upon the test – one called the three sieves and a poem called the three gates.  I find it helpful and perhaps you will too.  It sets a high bar for all of our communication.

Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

In the case of the newscaster, was she overweight, by her own admission, yes.  And she also pointed out that it wasn’t news to her.  So, true? Yes.  Kind?  No. Necessary? No.  Is the fact that towels were left on the bathroom floor true? Yes.  Is it necessary to comment? Yes, because the behavior has to change.  Is the way I was thinking of communicating it kind? NO! So that doesn’t pass the test.

If we could embody this litmus test and use it in all communications what an impact we could have on our lives and our world.  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

You might be thinking “I can’t imagine why he’s wearing that’ but as it heads toward your lips --- Is it true?  Yes.  Is it kind? NO.  Is it necessary?  Heck no.

The person in front of you in the express check out line? More than 12 items? True? Yes, you counted!  Kind? Depends on how you say it.  Necessary? Also depends.  It could be your day to reinforce the policy so you’re left with, 'how can it be said kindly?'   And kindly isn’t about intention.  “Well, I meant it nicely.”  It’s really about true kindness.  It’s a high bar and not one to be wiggled around.  Either it’s done with kindness or not! As kind as such a thing could be said just doesn’t count.

So, you’re really frustrated with a friend. He won’t return emails and phone calls and you really need to connect.  Is it true?  Yes.  Is it kind?  It could be but only once you’re calmed down a bit. And is it necessary? Yes. If you want the relationship to continue.  So, litmus test passed conditionally.  Dependent on that cool off time.

And that coworker who has a bit of a high pitched twang in her voice? True? Yes.  Kind? No way. Necessary?  Nope!  Let it go.  Let it go,.  Let it go!

But then if we really embody the true, kind, necessary, we’ll have to bring it into our closer relationships. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or just beginning on the journey, the test works to help us all sort out what’s important and what’s not important and promises to do that in a caring and commitment container. It’s remarkable how much time we gain back using the true, kind, necessary filter. Time to laugh and play and love and affirm each other and those all around.

Just think of the difference when that dental assistant saw young von Zirpolo walking in.  Had she been equipped differently, our entire day would have changed, his week would have changed and perhaps other patients and the assistant herself would have moved differently through their days.

And just think of the difference here.  Even here in this caring community.  If we tend our own communications with this basic commitment to hear one another, always respond, share our own stories and list hard for others and embody this fabulous filter --- Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all~

May it be so. 

First World Problems

First World Problems

See youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2p5svFJ9cQ

A week or so before I heard this teenager’s First World Problems Rap, I heard the term ‘First World Pains.’   I don’t recall the first example but once you’ve heard a few you get the idea.  Here are a few more from their website :

·        There’s never a good marshmallow to cereal ratio in my Lucky Charms

·        I didn’t get into Harvard so now I’ll have to go to Yale

·        My bank doesn’t have a drive-thru ATM

·        My ice cream started to melt so I had to eat it really fast

First world pains.   A clever way to say ‘perspective is everything’ by drawing attention to our larger context.  A way to say ‘let go --- it’s not that big a deal.”  A way to say “really???  That’s the worst you’ve got going?”

               Of course, it’s not a terribly new concept, which is why the way it gripped me was intriguing.   The term "First World" refers to industrialized, capitalist countries like the US or allied with the US.  It was a term coined during the cold war.  Following the cold war it took on a slightly different meaning with a greater focus on so-called development levels.  Second World" referred to the former communist-socialist, industrial states and Third World Countries referenced countries where poverty was greater, the Gross National Income was much lower, political, human and civil rights were often at odds with ours as was freedom of information.

               Comparisons have always been made and I bet I am not alone recalling a time when it was common to hear ‘remember, children are starving in Biafra’ from a parent trying to get dinners finished by reluctant eaters.

But this engages me differently.

               Shortly after I heard the term, I found myself trying it out  - not in the “I think I’ll go try this out-sort of way” rather in the “the phrase somehow stuck right here, in my psyche, just looking for places to land.” A niece posted that she was waiting in a long line at Starbucks and I thought, that’s one!  First World Pain.  A man I was on an airplane with was complaining about delays -------on his way back from a vacation in Costa Rica and I thought, that qualifies! I had some complexities with my bank account in Mexico ---------- where I have a retirement home.  That definitely qualifies!

I do note that it was the humor that grabbed me first, not some altruistic belief that I should tend such things.  If it were that simple, I would have been compelled years ago by the Biafra comparison.  Humor has magical powers!  In his rap, Zack was able to capture the truth, ‘wrap it’ in humor and ‘rap’ it to a beat and a song that tells a compelling story albeit a tad exaggerated at times -- -but not always.  And what’s interesting is that it has been contagious.  Thousands of people post daily to twitter:

·        I had something witty to say but the conversation changed before I could use it

·        I have to wake up at 4 am because Im going on vacation

·        I got hired, now I’ll have to wake up early

·        Too rich for financial aid, too poor to pay for college

·        Can’t find my phone, can’t call it because I left it on silent

·        I’m hungry but don’t want to cook

Some are seasonal....

·        I have a really nice house so trick-or-treaters expect better candy

·        I live in the country and don’t get many trick-or-treaters, have left over candy and have to eat it myself.

And now here’s your chance.  You could end up on youtube too with millions of people tuning in for your rap!  Seriously now, you needn’t rap it, but take a moment and think, what first world problem did you have this past week, maybe even this morning?

But, now, let’s take on some heavy lifting.  Naming first world problems invites us to dig in deeper to an analysis of what we give ourselves up to when it comes to angst and at the same time invites us to a place of gratitude.  We can take this FWP lens and embed it into our daily lives in a way that is transformational to our own selves and therefore to everyone around us.  And when we do that, change ourselves for the better, we free up more and more of our spiritual power to offer love and light into our world. 

The heavy lifting means beyond the humor to the real analysis.  It means moving beyond ‘that’s funny and yeah, sort of true’ to the hard question of what does it mean and how do I let it change me for the better?  It means moving from OMG, that dental work is going to cost how much??? FWP – I can use a credit card for that excellent dental care and have a job that permits me to pay it off quickly and my daughter has a schedule that will allow her to take time to have it tended quickly.  It means moving from I want to cut my right leg off at the knee because it hurts so much on rainy days to I live in a world where I have access to effective pain management, knee replacement technology advancements each year, the ability to alter my schedule should I need to seek care, health insurance, family and friend support and a freezer for my icepack.  It means moving from I want the election to be over because watching, reading and hearing the commentary is soul sucking to I live in a country where we have elections, where we can disagree without fear of imprisonment or worse, where we can impact policy locally and nationally.  It means living a deep and abiding appreciation for all that we have in the larger context of the entire world community AND acknowledging our humanness along the way.  That acknowledgement is the piece that allows us to fret and laugh along with young Zach Katz as we moan from time to time about the problems and pains we perceive in our days.  Because, when all is said and done, which never truly happens, problems are problems – and sometimes a bad hair day really is just that and it’s nice to have someone who can scoop you into their arms when you’ve  managed to hit every red light there was, even if it was on the way to a manicure.  But if we’re striving for our best selves, that we might impact our lives, our communities and our world, we should keep two thoughts near and dear to our minds and souls.  It’s  all connected.  We might not be able to solve all the problems in the world but we can acknowledge that they are ours.

And thanks be to this young man’s rap, it’s helpful to ask – “this pain, this problem, is it first-world or not?”  I’ve found the asking alone, invites me to humor, humility – and both are good for my soul.