Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?

(A sermon delivered at the UU Church of Marblehead, MA, Oct. 2012)

It was the best of times and the worst of times. When my son was in grade school he experienced both of these in one place.  The oral surgeon’s office.  I know, it’s hard to imagine the best of times in such a setting but I use it as a relative term!  You see, he was born with some extra teeth.  Where most people have two baby front teeth and two adult teeth waiting to come down, he had a total of six.  The baby teeth and the two extras needed to be removed and then he had to return to get some extra help in easing the adult teeth down. 

You will be glad to know at this point that the details of those procedures are not the point of today’s message!  But accompanying those two different experiences were two different human beings in the role of assistant.  One who was kind and respectful and did everything she could to help this other, younger human being feel at ease, respected and cared for.  The other, well, the other – not so much!  Not only was she less than her best self, it was clear she was clueless about kindness, helping someone feel at ease, respected and cared for.  So on the one hand, there was the woman who looked him in the eye, asked him about his comfort, touched his shoulder gently and told a gentle and colorful story as the anesthesia began to take hold.  And on the other hand – I struggle to find the humanity in any piece of the interaction. 

It all began with a booster seat.  As can be the case with human development, my son’s height came to him late in the game.  This was the focal point of this assistant.  And so, with great fan faire she announced Oh, YOU will definitely need a booster seat.  She went on then to announce, with some drama “OH MY – you are a peanut!  WOW, I bet you hear that a lot.  How short are you exactly?  Are you the shortest kid in your grade?” I won’t go on and on, but tell she did.  I was left in one of those challenging mother spaces struggling with should I or shouldn’t I.  Will he welcome an intervention or not!  He was at that age when you don’t necessarily welcome your mother coming to your rescue.  And so, here was this young boy held captive in the chair with this woman getting him ready for some significant dental surgery and offering commentary that was far from helpful.  It was mean.   

There’s more to this sad tale, including a conversation with the doctor, a letter of apology to me, rather than to my son, and a phone call that was less than satisfying.  But the best assessment came from the sore mouth of this kind boy who as we left remarked “You know, I hope she doesn’t tease other kids.  I’m okay but I bet she does the same thing to other kids too.  And although I would never say it, Mom, not for nothing but she was pretty short compared to you!”  

Don’t you love it when one of the lessons you passed on, comes out of a younger person’s mouth and you realize that not only did they get it, but here they are reminding you!  Now, you know the lesson I’m talking about in this case!  I’m guessing you do.  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.   I wonder who first uttered those words.  I’m picturing a mother but who knows.  But it lives on and on and boy oh boy on that day in particular I sure wished that woman had learned it somewhere along the line.   

We live in a world that doesn’t necessarily reinforce that lesson.  There are pieces of our environment that seem to make unkind behavior easier.  Have you ever zipped off an email and then afterwards thought --- oh, maybe that was harsh?  Or ignored a phone call or text?  We have new ways, it seems, of turning a cold shoulder towards a person or sharing anger or unkindness without ever having to face the person and see their eyes and feel their hurt.  In a way, because of our electronic world, we’re all in that dentist chair, vulnerable to communications that arrive without us being present as they are constructed.   It’s easy to hurl an insult when there is no person in sight.  It’s more difficult if you can see the tears welling in another person’s eyes or their shoulders slumping because you are rejecting them.

Online newspapers and forums allow anonymous comments to be made and cyber-bullying, with nasty comments being tossed from cell phone to cell phone and on facebook  have pushed some young people to leave school or even take their own lives.  This trend knows no boundaries in terms of age.  Just last week, a news anchor in Wisconsin received a horrible email from a man who thought that she was a poor role model, especially for young girls --- because she was  overweight.  He maintains that he wasn’t being rude or bullying, he was only telling the truth when he wrote “Surely you don’t consider yourself a suitable role model?”

What can we do?  Jennifer Livingston, the newscaster, had a remarkable response.  Noting that October was anti-bullying month, she gave a shout out to all children with these words “To all of the children out there who feel lost, who are struggling with your weight, with the color of your skin, your sexual preference, your disability, even the acne on your face, listen to me right now: Do not let your self-worth be defined by bullies, “she said. Her message has gone viral and she’s being invited on national talks shows this week.  

She’s correct in her good advice that “the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many,” but there’s something more we can do.  I’m of the belief that for every one of these quite obviously mean-spirited or at best careless incidents, many of us engage in small incidents of unkindness or careless communications.  Have you even been short with your partner?  Snapped at one of your children?  Or a parent?  I know I have.  Have you ever hit enter on an email and thought ‘hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t have sent that or said that in that manner?” Or have you given someone that special salute on the road?  Have you been sharp with a waitress or a store clerk?  Ignored a friend?  Been unkind in any communication?  Been short, unfriendly or unavailable here with your UUCM family?  Have you gossiped?

I think it’s important to promote the message Jennifer offered – that our words of support are stronger than any criticisms from bullies but what if we turned back to that age-old wisdom of our collective mothers?  We could, if we chose, take a pledge today to wear that early lesson – if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all? To wear it like a second skin.  Or better yet, this updated version which requires a little more thought.  Is it true?  Is it kind and Is it necessary?

Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

This litmus test of sorts can be traced back to Socrates (perhaps his mother was among those early moms who said, ‘Now son, if you can’t say something nice ......”)  There are stories based upon the test – one called the three sieves and a poem called the three gates.  I find it helpful and perhaps you will too.  It sets a high bar for all of our communication.

Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

In the case of the newscaster, was she overweight, by her own admission, yes.  And she also pointed out that it wasn’t news to her.  So, true? Yes.  Kind?  No. Necessary? No.  Is the fact that towels were left on the bathroom floor true? Yes.  Is it necessary to comment? Yes, because the behavior has to change.  Is the way I was thinking of communicating it kind? NO! So that doesn’t pass the test.

If we could embody this litmus test and use it in all communications what an impact we could have on our lives and our world.  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

You might be thinking “I can’t imagine why he’s wearing that’ but as it heads toward your lips --- Is it true?  Yes.  Is it kind? NO.  Is it necessary?  Heck no.

The person in front of you in the express check out line? More than 12 items? True? Yes, you counted!  Kind? Depends on how you say it.  Necessary? Also depends.  It could be your day to reinforce the policy so you’re left with, 'how can it be said kindly?'   And kindly isn’t about intention.  “Well, I meant it nicely.”  It’s really about true kindness.  It’s a high bar and not one to be wiggled around.  Either it’s done with kindness or not! As kind as such a thing could be said just doesn’t count.

So, you’re really frustrated with a friend. He won’t return emails and phone calls and you really need to connect.  Is it true?  Yes.  Is it kind?  It could be but only once you’re calmed down a bit. And is it necessary? Yes. If you want the relationship to continue.  So, litmus test passed conditionally.  Dependent on that cool off time.

And that coworker who has a bit of a high pitched twang in her voice? True? Yes.  Kind? No way. Necessary?  Nope!  Let it go.  Let it go,.  Let it go!

But then if we really embody the true, kind, necessary, we’ll have to bring it into our closer relationships. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or just beginning on the journey, the test works to help us all sort out what’s important and what’s not important and promises to do that in a caring and commitment container. It’s remarkable how much time we gain back using the true, kind, necessary filter. Time to laugh and play and love and affirm each other and those all around.

Just think of the difference when that dental assistant saw young von Zirpolo walking in.  Had she been equipped differently, our entire day would have changed, his week would have changed and perhaps other patients and the assistant herself would have moved differently through their days.

And just think of the difference here.  Even here in this caring community.  If we tend our own communications with this basic commitment to hear one another, always respond, share our own stories and list hard for others and embody this fabulous filter --- Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all~

May it be so. 

First World Problems

First World Problems

See youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2p5svFJ9cQ

A week or so before I heard this teenager’s First World Problems Rap, I heard the term ‘First World Pains.’   I don’t recall the first example but once you’ve heard a few you get the idea.  Here are a few more from their website :

·        There’s never a good marshmallow to cereal ratio in my Lucky Charms

·        I didn’t get into Harvard so now I’ll have to go to Yale

·        My bank doesn’t have a drive-thru ATM

·        My ice cream started to melt so I had to eat it really fast

First world pains.   A clever way to say ‘perspective is everything’ by drawing attention to our larger context.  A way to say ‘let go --- it’s not that big a deal.”  A way to say “really???  That’s the worst you’ve got going?”

               Of course, it’s not a terribly new concept, which is why the way it gripped me was intriguing.   The term "First World" refers to industrialized, capitalist countries like the US or allied with the US.  It was a term coined during the cold war.  Following the cold war it took on a slightly different meaning with a greater focus on so-called development levels.  Second World" referred to the former communist-socialist, industrial states and Third World Countries referenced countries where poverty was greater, the Gross National Income was much lower, political, human and civil rights were often at odds with ours as was freedom of information.

               Comparisons have always been made and I bet I am not alone recalling a time when it was common to hear ‘remember, children are starving in Biafra’ from a parent trying to get dinners finished by reluctant eaters.

But this engages me differently.

               Shortly after I heard the term, I found myself trying it out  - not in the “I think I’ll go try this out-sort of way” rather in the “the phrase somehow stuck right here, in my psyche, just looking for places to land.” A niece posted that she was waiting in a long line at Starbucks and I thought, that’s one!  First World Pain.  A man I was on an airplane with was complaining about delays -------on his way back from a vacation in Costa Rica and I thought, that qualifies! I had some complexities with my bank account in Mexico ---------- where I have a retirement home.  That definitely qualifies!

I do note that it was the humor that grabbed me first, not some altruistic belief that I should tend such things.  If it were that simple, I would have been compelled years ago by the Biafra comparison.  Humor has magical powers!  In his rap, Zack was able to capture the truth, ‘wrap it’ in humor and ‘rap’ it to a beat and a song that tells a compelling story albeit a tad exaggerated at times -- -but not always.  And what’s interesting is that it has been contagious.  Thousands of people post daily to twitter:

·        I had something witty to say but the conversation changed before I could use it

·        I have to wake up at 4 am because Im going on vacation

·        I got hired, now I’ll have to wake up early

·        Too rich for financial aid, too poor to pay for college

·        Can’t find my phone, can’t call it because I left it on silent

·        I’m hungry but don’t want to cook

Some are seasonal....

·        I have a really nice house so trick-or-treaters expect better candy

·        I live in the country and don’t get many trick-or-treaters, have left over candy and have to eat it myself.

And now here’s your chance.  You could end up on youtube too with millions of people tuning in for your rap!  Seriously now, you needn’t rap it, but take a moment and think, what first world problem did you have this past week, maybe even this morning?

But, now, let’s take on some heavy lifting.  Naming first world problems invites us to dig in deeper to an analysis of what we give ourselves up to when it comes to angst and at the same time invites us to a place of gratitude.  We can take this FWP lens and embed it into our daily lives in a way that is transformational to our own selves and therefore to everyone around us.  And when we do that, change ourselves for the better, we free up more and more of our spiritual power to offer love and light into our world. 

The heavy lifting means beyond the humor to the real analysis.  It means moving beyond ‘that’s funny and yeah, sort of true’ to the hard question of what does it mean and how do I let it change me for the better?  It means moving from OMG, that dental work is going to cost how much??? FWP – I can use a credit card for that excellent dental care and have a job that permits me to pay it off quickly and my daughter has a schedule that will allow her to take time to have it tended quickly.  It means moving from I want to cut my right leg off at the knee because it hurts so much on rainy days to I live in a world where I have access to effective pain management, knee replacement technology advancements each year, the ability to alter my schedule should I need to seek care, health insurance, family and friend support and a freezer for my icepack.  It means moving from I want the election to be over because watching, reading and hearing the commentary is soul sucking to I live in a country where we have elections, where we can disagree without fear of imprisonment or worse, where we can impact policy locally and nationally.  It means living a deep and abiding appreciation for all that we have in the larger context of the entire world community AND acknowledging our humanness along the way.  That acknowledgement is the piece that allows us to fret and laugh along with young Zach Katz as we moan from time to time about the problems and pains we perceive in our days.  Because, when all is said and done, which never truly happens, problems are problems – and sometimes a bad hair day really is just that and it’s nice to have someone who can scoop you into their arms when you’ve  managed to hit every red light there was, even if it was on the way to a manicure.  But if we’re striving for our best selves, that we might impact our lives, our communities and our world, we should keep two thoughts near and dear to our minds and souls.  It’s  all connected.  We might not be able to solve all the problems in the world but we can acknowledge that they are ours.

And thanks be to this young man’s rap, it’s helpful to ask – “this pain, this problem, is it first-world or not?”  I’ve found the asking alone, invites me to humor, humility – and both are good for my soul.

December Spiritual Practice=Gratitude

December Gratitude Practice (invitation to one or more of the following ~)

1.      Note three things you are grateful for before each meal.  Do so in silence or aloud.  My own practice is to join hands with others if I am not alone and invite everyone to join in a moment of silent shared gratitude.

2.      Text or email or phone one or more gratitudes to another person each day.

3.      Journal, facebook, tweet (another social network tool) the words thanksx3= (and fill in three things) or gratitudes today include ........................  Whichever you choose do it ‘religiously’ throughout the month.

4.      Once each week add gratitude anonymously by sending an anonymous thank you or leaving one at someone’s office, home, locker, etc.  

The Thank-You Muscle ~

          Sometimes magical things happen when we open ourselves up to gratitude.  Things we could not know would be so wonderful.  And the more we do that, the more we change how we move through the world.  And the more we change how we move through the world, the more the world changes too.  We each have the opportunity to let go of disappointment and make happy and thankful decisions each day and each moment in our lives.  We have that great power!  And we can and should use it for good!  Let's gift ourselves and each other RIGHT NOW by committing to exercising our "Thank-You" muscle more than ever as we navigate the blitz and glitz of the oft-times aggressive holiday season ~ 

How do you practice gratitude?  Is your thank-you muscle so strong that you lead with gratitude rather than fight to make it present?  What would a thank-you workout look like for you?  Mine is to practice silent gratitude before each meal, whether or not I am alone.  I name three things for which I am thankful in that moment.  But I'm clear I need to build upon this practice.  Lately I've used twitter to name three more, but need to step up this practice so it's more consistent.  I don't think this is a muscle that can ever get too large ~ 

Here's how we exercise it communally at UU Congregation of Marblehead :  before we begin worship each Sunday, we look around appreciatively at the gathered community and then close our eyes and think of three things for which we are grateful.  Two weeks ago we texted or wrote gratitudes to the pulpit for use in the prayer/meditation and then used our phones or sticky notes at the close of service to send a gratitude/message/apology/ connection to someone we thought would benefit.  We also posted gratitudes to our facebook page Unitarian Universalist Church of Marblehead.   

Remembrance ~

Appreciation for all those who served, serve and will serve ~ appreciation that pathways to peace are many ~ appreciation that there veterans of wars we seldom name and frequently deny, some here when many of our ancestors arrived and some brought here in chains ~ may our remembrance be expansive, thoughtful and true ~

Post-Election Questions for the Spirit ~

Pondering now & will soon share reflections:   

                    Did I bring my best self to the polls?  

                                   Am I bringing my best self to the results?

Spirit-led Voting ~

Body spiritual ~ Body Political

A sermon offered at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Marblehead on Nov 4, 2012

Who here is sick to death of this election season?  Who has found the ads, the never-ending rhetoric soul sucking?  The negativity is so demoralizing.  I worry what it says about who We are.  I worry about good people turning away from a life of service because they look at this process and say NO WAY.  NO WAY for themselves.  NO WAY for their families.  For me I think the tipping point was the analysis of the analysis of the debates.  It seemed to go on for days.  I wonder if it ultimately received more coverage than the storm.  I hope not.  There was a moment I was actually moved to say STOP!  I know that sounds dramatic and all I really did was reach for the remote control and push off – but I did it really quickly!  And, I did utter the words ‘STOP’ and shook my head in disbelief!  It was when they started analyzing the body language of the presidential candidates’ wives pre- and post-debate, saying ‘How she did this with her mouth’ or ‘this with her arms' --- well  that, said it all.  I turned off the television quickly because I was afraid they would start to analyze the children and grandchildren.  Whether they were there or not and what that meant.  What they wore and what that meant.  What their body language said about the performance of their father or grandfather.  For me, it was finally too much.

And yet, here I am bringing it right into this sanctuary.  But before you race to turn off this form of media.  Please hear me out!  Even were it permitted, and it is not, today’s morning message will not include an endorsement of any candidate or a smearing of another.  It’s about our bodies and souls.  The body spiritual and the body political.

People have argued that politics and religion don’t mix.  World history tells us something different about that, doesn’t it?  And current history as well.  Politics and religion have always been entwined.  Battles, wars, marriages, the trinity itself – all tied up in politics.  And today, fights over BGLTQ rights, birth control, prayer in schools, money – all tied up in politics.    But how about spirituality and politics.  That is a different conversation.  Where there is an institution, power, money, sometimes land and silver is at stake when politics and religion mix.  There are prizes to be won.  But isn’t the equation quite different when we step inside of ourselves and look at our individual spirits and then ask ‘Where now resides politics?’

For many I think the answer is a loud ‘NOT HERE!’  I think I understand why.  I think there are many who seek deeper spirituality as a place of purity, of quiet, of contemplation and perhaps revelation.   I, however,  come to a different conclusion.  For me the answer is “RIGHT HERE.”  And for the same reasons – because it is a place of purity, of quiet, of contemplation and perhaps revelation. 

We are complex beings – we humans.  As we grow we mature in so many different ways.  We mature physically, intellectually, socially, sexually, financially, ethically, spiritually and politically. As I matured physically I was able to reach more things, lift heavier objects and as I continue to mature physically, I understand those two processes will reverse!  But I also learned what pieces of the earth make my heart sing.  I learned the best use of my body is in a swimming pool teaching others.  I learned that being in a room with charcoal, an eraser, sketch pad and a model allows my body to create beautiful lines.  I have watched similar awakenings in each of the other strands of maturations I listed.  

It should not be a surprise that I’m drawn to the spiritual thread!  My vocation calls me to focus most on spiritual maturity, my own and inviting others into furthering their own.  What I know is that I mature as a spiritually being I am less and less able to act in any portion of my day in a manner that is not in keeping with my values.  It took me a year, but I’m now using recyclable K-cups in the coffee maker because it bothered my spirit to  keep creating more plastic waste.  When I last car shopped efficiency was key as I sought to reduce my carbon footprint.   I continue to train on my bicycle with a goal of eliminating some car travel all together.  I was called to put my body on the line for human rights in Arizona.   I have far to go before my body spiritual is in complete charge and life as a human being on this treasured planet is in complete synch with what creation intended or what is a very best outcome, but I do find with each year, my body spiritual is  more often than not, leading the way.   And so, when the political season arrives, many months before any election as it is wont to do, there it is more often than not, right in the center.   That place of purity, of quiet, of contemplation and perhaps revelation, grounding me in who I really am, how I am connected to the world and what matters most.  

I was once invited to participate in an exercise that I have never forgotten.  It altered my relationship with money.  It didn’t get me any more money but it changed how I saw money and how I chose to use money.  I was at a training run by UU lay leader Dr. Helen Bishop and she had us all sit in a circle.  She then asked us to get out our wallets, checkbooks or a piece of paper we could use to write an IOU.  She said something like “In a few minutes, we are all going to put some money in the circle.  After that, we will decide as a group what to do with the money.  We can decide anything other than return it to ourselves.  What you are tasked with doing right now, is deciding how much money you need to put in in order to care about the outcome.” Differently put we had to figure out how much of our money made it worth caring about where it went.

I don’t remember how much I put in.  What I do remember was that it was not a time in my life that I had much discretionary income so it really made me think. But the amount was certainly more than it would have been had it simply been a call to donate to X, Y or Z and perhaps most importantly, having been through the exercise, my participation in the conversation about the decision what to do with that money changed.  And that was the point.  By setting the scene just as she did, Helen, required that we get in touch first with our values, not knowing an outcome, only that if our values were attached to our contribution, we would care more, be more thoughtful, show up more fully than if that were not the case.   And perhaps follow-through.

So it is with the intersection of the body spiritual and the body political.  I invite us all to engage in a similar exercise.  To sit quietly in that place of purity, quiet, contemplation and revelation.  To be in touch with our values, our body spiritual.  The place inside that knows what we hold dear above all things, and what we hold dear after that and after that and after that.  And then consider each of our votes and then, most importantly – cast them.  Cast them proudly and strongly knowing that what is attached to each is our most core, spiritual self.  We won’t all agree. 

On Thursday night, my dear colleague Rabbi David Meyer and I presented our views about Question #2, Death With Dignity.  We did so in a room where we knew we would vote differently but we agreed to share our hearts ---  our body spiritual and how each of us knew it would guide our body political.  What mattered in that room was not that either of us swayed others to vote as we would vote.  It was to invite others into their own deep reflection on what it was they held most dear and to let that guide them in their decision.

That is my great hope, as the spiritual leader of this congregation.  That each and every one of us, participate on Tuesday, but that we sit quietly first, body spiritual and body political fully engaged and then go cast our votes.  Knowing our votes represent the very best of who we are and hope to be ~

Affirming Life (Why My Vote is 'YES' to MA Question #2 - Death With Dignity

*As part of our commitment to promote civil discourse on complex issues, the Marblehead Ministerial Association held a panel presentation on A Question #2, Death With Dignity. Member, Rev. Susan Morrison moderated.  Panelists included Rabbi David Meyer, Dr. Kerry Pound, Dr. Suzana Makowski and me.  What follows are my comments.

For me, this isn’t a question about death.  It’s a question about life.  How is it we want to spend the last minutes of living, who gets to choose and what our options might be.  Having sat with so many people during their last days of living I have enormous respect for the wish to be able to choose how one spends those last days.  While science and medicine have made enormous strides in pain management, some people endure hideous endings.  Certainly, for some, a wish to live as long as possible and to die 'naturally' is a cognizant choice.  I have watched people go to extraordinary lengths to live longer and dip into stores of unimaginable strength to bear pain.  I have admiration for those people.  It was their choice.

I have also watched people give up on life with what seemed to me, too little fight.  People who said no to drugs, to treatment, to what some might say was life.  It took more work for me to find admiration for those people, but I did, because it was their choice. 

And I have watched people all along the spectrum.  Those who tried one more thing so they could live to see a grandchild’s wedding.  Those who survived rounds of chemotheraphy to the benefit of their health but who told me privately “I will never do that again.  It wasn’t worth it.  If I had known, I would have opted out.”  I had and have admiration for each because it was their choice.

We live in a complex world, made more complex by science.  We are faced with scientific capacities at times ahead of our ethical, moral and spiritual capacities.  We have living wills, Do not resuscitate orders, and hospice care.  But what we have always had is choice.  Whether it was legal or not, people have been choosing all along.  In conversation with a relative I just found out an uncle dying of lung cancer had a stash of pills under his mattress – almost 30 years ago.  The Hemlock Society formerly began in 1980 seeking to provide information to people and supporting physician-assisted suicide.  The opportunity we have today is to stop seeing this choice as criminal or morally less-than whole or cowardly.  Our current system is cited as protective but it, in fact, criminalizes a path many already take to alleviate horrific suffering.  This places an unnecessary pain upon family members and friends. It often requires the loved person at the center to hide pain, hide pills and ultimately, hide their death.  All this at a time when, in the healthiest of circumstances, we are surrounded by those we love, supported in all we wish to do and held as we complete our living.  To have our last living marred by a denial of a valid choice is not life affirming.

I’d like us to stop even seeing it as suicide.

Dying is a part of our living.  It comes in many forms.  We see murder as a horrific assault to life.  Suicide as a sad ending.  Accidents as tradgedies.  Each are different endings and invoke different emotions.  Dying as we approach an inevitable ending is its own kind of ending and one that uniquely invites our cognizant and informed involvement – should we so choose.  For those whose final days, weeks and month include great suffering, that involvement can be life affirming.

I will tell you that I had some serious questions as I approached this vote.  I have had close ties with the special needs community all of my life.  I spend 6 hours in a pool with children with special needs each week, coach children, youth and adults on a special Olympics swim team and lead an interfaith worship group specifically designed  for people of all ages with special needs, their families and friends.  I worry about the existing abuses in this community and know it to be an historically marginalized at-risk community.  The questions I took to this question, question #2, was where are the protections?  Does passage increase the risk to this population?  Does the benefit extend to this population?  My conclusions are that we need continued vigilance in our entire society toward the protection of marginalized communities, we need to root out current abuses in elder homes, homes for those with disabilities and in medical facilities and schools.  This bill neither solves those problems nor increases them.  It is my hope that it encourages greater levels of attention in that larger system.

And now, I want to speak as a daughter.  My father struggled with Multiple Sclerosis for over a decade.  He died just four years ago.  I say struggled because it was a struggle.  Emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I watched him lose things each year.  We all did.  We watched a man who skied, sailed, walked to the beach with his grandchildren, danced beautifully, walked, traveled, carved wooden ducks, filled his many birdfeeders, go out to lunch with his friends, the Romeos (Retired Old Men Eating Out) lose these things and mourn each one.  With each loss came some sadness, some depression, some adjustment and then he would live on.   As is the case in many families, we each played different roles.  My mother, his beloved, still danced alongside him, as beloveds do, focusing on what he could do, how to support him best, even learning to administer shots and other medications.  Me – he chose me to talk about pain.  In quiet moments when it was just the two of us, he would say ‘the worst thing, the very worst thing is the pain.’ It could be hideous. He told me once that he had a stash of pills.  All I did was listen.   I think his doctor knew.  They may have even discussed it.  He never used those pills.  But it meant something to know he could.  That if the pain became too great, he could choose to complete his living, on his terms.

This was a man who had the very best medical care.  Team Ted was grand.  He had pain management.  He had an integrated team who spoke to each other across hospitals.  He had a close and loving family able to provide anything he needed for comfort.  He was strong.   And he wanted to have the choice to say the pain is too great.  I’m done.

Was he depressed?  Who wouldn’t be.  And that depression was treated during his illness.  This bill invites a close look at depression.  But I also want to speak about our rights to our feelings.  Depression from a loss of the ability to travel or the loss of the ability to ski is something to seek help in getting over.  I think we all can see that.  Depression from the loss of driving, the loss of dancing with your beloved.  That’s harder but surely, help getting past that sadness is welcome.  I think we can probably agree on that as well.  Depression from losing the use of your legs or being able to speak.  Now we’re in tricky territory.  That’s pretty depressing even to say.  I think folks in that territory have some heavy lifting to do and I hope they want help doing it, but I can’t say you ought to get past that.  But I am clear that when it comes to depression because I’m about to die.  I support feeling the depth of that emotion.  It’s real, it is depressing.  It’s sad.  It’s full of I’m leaving all this beauty.  I cannot find anything to be ‘fixed’ or gotten over.  For me, the worry that someone’s depression at that point will cloud their decision is one thing, but the answer isn’t to change the depression, it’s to be sure they are clear on their wishes as they move forward.  The assumption should not be they are choosing to end their living because they are sad.

A couple of weeks before my dad died, I watched him in agony at the hospital.  He then slipped off into a nonresponsive state.  After some time, Hospice was engaged and we were preparing to have him moved.  Suddenly he popped back into our lives.  He lived for a bit more.  Did we take advantage of those moments?  Of course we did just as we treasured each and every moment leading to his death.  But had he chosen to use his pills two weeks earlier who would have been robbed?  Us, for not having those final goodbyes?  Us, left wondering what if a discovery were made that next week that would help cure MS?  Me, because I wanted my Dad to live forever? 

For me, the spiritual question is not how can it be okay for any one of us to decide when to end our lives.  Rather it is how can we find the generosity of spirit and the strength to affirm when a loved one says ‘it’s time to end my suffering.  Please tell me you love me and then show me by letting me go.”