Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?

(A sermon delivered at the UU Church of Marblehead, MA, Oct. 2012)

It was the best of times and the worst of times. When my son was in grade school he experienced both of these in one place.  The oral surgeon’s office.  I know, it’s hard to imagine the best of times in such a setting but I use it as a relative term!  You see, he was born with some extra teeth.  Where most people have two baby front teeth and two adult teeth waiting to come down, he had a total of six.  The baby teeth and the two extras needed to be removed and then he had to return to get some extra help in easing the adult teeth down. 

You will be glad to know at this point that the details of those procedures are not the point of today’s message!  But accompanying those two different experiences were two different human beings in the role of assistant.  One who was kind and respectful and did everything she could to help this other, younger human being feel at ease, respected and cared for.  The other, well, the other – not so much!  Not only was she less than her best self, it was clear she was clueless about kindness, helping someone feel at ease, respected and cared for.  So on the one hand, there was the woman who looked him in the eye, asked him about his comfort, touched his shoulder gently and told a gentle and colorful story as the anesthesia began to take hold.  And on the other hand – I struggle to find the humanity in any piece of the interaction. 

It all began with a booster seat.  As can be the case with human development, my son’s height came to him late in the game.  This was the focal point of this assistant.  And so, with great fan faire she announced Oh, YOU will definitely need a booster seat.  She went on then to announce, with some drama “OH MY – you are a peanut!  WOW, I bet you hear that a lot.  How short are you exactly?  Are you the shortest kid in your grade?” I won’t go on and on, but tell she did.  I was left in one of those challenging mother spaces struggling with should I or shouldn’t I.  Will he welcome an intervention or not!  He was at that age when you don’t necessarily welcome your mother coming to your rescue.  And so, here was this young boy held captive in the chair with this woman getting him ready for some significant dental surgery and offering commentary that was far from helpful.  It was mean.   

There’s more to this sad tale, including a conversation with the doctor, a letter of apology to me, rather than to my son, and a phone call that was less than satisfying.  But the best assessment came from the sore mouth of this kind boy who as we left remarked “You know, I hope she doesn’t tease other kids.  I’m okay but I bet she does the same thing to other kids too.  And although I would never say it, Mom, not for nothing but she was pretty short compared to you!”  

Don’t you love it when one of the lessons you passed on, comes out of a younger person’s mouth and you realize that not only did they get it, but here they are reminding you!  Now, you know the lesson I’m talking about in this case!  I’m guessing you do.  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.   I wonder who first uttered those words.  I’m picturing a mother but who knows.  But it lives on and on and boy oh boy on that day in particular I sure wished that woman had learned it somewhere along the line.   

We live in a world that doesn’t necessarily reinforce that lesson.  There are pieces of our environment that seem to make unkind behavior easier.  Have you ever zipped off an email and then afterwards thought --- oh, maybe that was harsh?  Or ignored a phone call or text?  We have new ways, it seems, of turning a cold shoulder towards a person or sharing anger or unkindness without ever having to face the person and see their eyes and feel their hurt.  In a way, because of our electronic world, we’re all in that dentist chair, vulnerable to communications that arrive without us being present as they are constructed.   It’s easy to hurl an insult when there is no person in sight.  It’s more difficult if you can see the tears welling in another person’s eyes or their shoulders slumping because you are rejecting them.

Online newspapers and forums allow anonymous comments to be made and cyber-bullying, with nasty comments being tossed from cell phone to cell phone and on facebook  have pushed some young people to leave school or even take their own lives.  This trend knows no boundaries in terms of age.  Just last week, a news anchor in Wisconsin received a horrible email from a man who thought that she was a poor role model, especially for young girls --- because she was  overweight.  He maintains that he wasn’t being rude or bullying, he was only telling the truth when he wrote “Surely you don’t consider yourself a suitable role model?”

What can we do?  Jennifer Livingston, the newscaster, had a remarkable response.  Noting that October was anti-bullying month, she gave a shout out to all children with these words “To all of the children out there who feel lost, who are struggling with your weight, with the color of your skin, your sexual preference, your disability, even the acne on your face, listen to me right now: Do not let your self-worth be defined by bullies, “she said. Her message has gone viral and she’s being invited on national talks shows this week.  

She’s correct in her good advice that “the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many,” but there’s something more we can do.  I’m of the belief that for every one of these quite obviously mean-spirited or at best careless incidents, many of us engage in small incidents of unkindness or careless communications.  Have you even been short with your partner?  Snapped at one of your children?  Or a parent?  I know I have.  Have you ever hit enter on an email and thought ‘hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t have sent that or said that in that manner?” Or have you given someone that special salute on the road?  Have you been sharp with a waitress or a store clerk?  Ignored a friend?  Been unkind in any communication?  Been short, unfriendly or unavailable here with your UUCM family?  Have you gossiped?

I think it’s important to promote the message Jennifer offered – that our words of support are stronger than any criticisms from bullies but what if we turned back to that age-old wisdom of our collective mothers?  We could, if we chose, take a pledge today to wear that early lesson – if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all? To wear it like a second skin.  Or better yet, this updated version which requires a little more thought.  Is it true?  Is it kind and Is it necessary?

Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

This litmus test of sorts can be traced back to Socrates (perhaps his mother was among those early moms who said, ‘Now son, if you can’t say something nice ......”)  There are stories based upon the test – one called the three sieves and a poem called the three gates.  I find it helpful and perhaps you will too.  It sets a high bar for all of our communication.

Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

In the case of the newscaster, was she overweight, by her own admission, yes.  And she also pointed out that it wasn’t news to her.  So, true? Yes.  Kind?  No. Necessary? No.  Is the fact that towels were left on the bathroom floor true? Yes.  Is it necessary to comment? Yes, because the behavior has to change.  Is the way I was thinking of communicating it kind? NO! So that doesn’t pass the test.

If we could embody this litmus test and use it in all communications what an impact we could have on our lives and our world.  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

You might be thinking “I can’t imagine why he’s wearing that’ but as it heads toward your lips --- Is it true?  Yes.  Is it kind? NO.  Is it necessary?  Heck no.

The person in front of you in the express check out line? More than 12 items? True? Yes, you counted!  Kind? Depends on how you say it.  Necessary? Also depends.  It could be your day to reinforce the policy so you’re left with, 'how can it be said kindly?'   And kindly isn’t about intention.  “Well, I meant it nicely.”  It’s really about true kindness.  It’s a high bar and not one to be wiggled around.  Either it’s done with kindness or not! As kind as such a thing could be said just doesn’t count.

So, you’re really frustrated with a friend. He won’t return emails and phone calls and you really need to connect.  Is it true?  Yes.  Is it kind?  It could be but only once you’re calmed down a bit. And is it necessary? Yes. If you want the relationship to continue.  So, litmus test passed conditionally.  Dependent on that cool off time.

And that coworker who has a bit of a high pitched twang in her voice? True? Yes.  Kind? No way. Necessary?  Nope!  Let it go.  Let it go,.  Let it go!

But then if we really embody the true, kind, necessary, we’ll have to bring it into our closer relationships. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or just beginning on the journey, the test works to help us all sort out what’s important and what’s not important and promises to do that in a caring and commitment container. It’s remarkable how much time we gain back using the true, kind, necessary filter. Time to laugh and play and love and affirm each other and those all around.

Just think of the difference when that dental assistant saw young von Zirpolo walking in.  Had she been equipped differently, our entire day would have changed, his week would have changed and perhaps other patients and the assistant herself would have moved differently through their days.

And just think of the difference here.  Even here in this caring community.  If we tend our own communications with this basic commitment to hear one another, always respond, share our own stories and list hard for others and embody this fabulous filter --- Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all~

May it be so.